I wrote in my last post about how our hulking new HDTV has changed my life, how I now find myself watching whatever is being broadcast in high definition, simply for the sake of watching things in high definition. Since writing that entry, things have really gotten out of hand. I’ve spent a disgraceful amount of time watching embarrassingly bad programming, hours and hours of life that I’ll never get back.

It’s not all my fault, though; the people that do HD programming really know their audience. We’re male, late-20’s to early-30’s, easily seduced by flashing lights and loud noises, and undeterred by hefty price tags. And since it is a rare married man who is persuasive enough to convince his wife that a $2000 television is a worthy investment, we’re overwhelmingly single. And judging by the shows with which they have successfully captured my attention—we’re easily amused. For hours and hours.

So in an effort to produce something from all the idle time I’ve spent rotting in front of the television—or perhaps just to shame myself into quitting the living room for a little while—I’ve decided that it would be a good idea to keep a log of what I’ve been watching. It’s not pretty, but it’s the truth. And so, in no particular order, I give you a sample of my weekend viewings.

1. Bikini Boot Camp: I mentioned this show in my last entry, but I watched it again, and I’m starting to get the idea. I’m not actually sure that this show is called Bikini Boot Camp (that might have been just the episode’s name), but who cares. It’s still three buxom babes prancing around some island in their bikinis. And while this show masquerades as a travel program, it’s more of a Real World-type format, wherein these three girls do their best to piss each other off, then discuss the conflict in private confessionals with the camera. In this episode, the Cuban girl kept speaking Spanish to the chef dude, and it alienated the other two. Then, for reasons that no one bothers explaining, one of them ends up having to cook dinner. She’s pissed. Do we care? Not really. We care about hot girls.

2. Deadline!: A Talk Soup-type show for dudes, Deadline! covers hard-hitting stories like the nude bicyclist parade, or a guy who mountain bikes on a unicycle. My favorite portion of the show is a segment called “Guess What? Who Cares!”, in which the snarky female host spouts out US Weekly-grade celeb gossip, to which the off-camera, male crew responds by yelling “Who cares!!!” after each tidbit. It’s a cheap gag, but for any guy who’s had to listen to his girlfriend talk about “TomKat” or “Brangelina,” it’s at least a tiny bit satisfying.

3. Greatest Boxing Matches of All Time: Shot on a budget equivalent to a 7th grader’s weekly allowance, this show features no-name fighters going at it in venues that look like that same 7th grader’s basement. Introducing each “momentous” fight is the show’s scrawny host, a guy who looks like his only exposure to the Sweet Science was repeatedly being on the business end of the school bully’s right cross. But for all my criticism, once the bell rang and the two guys—whoever they were—started throwing punches, I sat in utterly enthralled in front of the television. Who won? Who cares? In high definition, you can practically see the camera’s reflection in the beads of sweat on the boxer’s brow. Cooooool.

4. Three Sheets: I’ve only seen it once, but this show rules. The premise is simple: man goes to some city, and gets trashed. A travel show in much the same way as Bikini Boot Camp, with booze instead of boobs. As the show progresses, the host slowly gets blitzed, and his use of expletives increases with each sampling of the provincial libations. By the end of the show, he’s slumped over a barstool and mumbling half-witticisms to the befuddled bartender, who probably doesn’t really understand what this TV crew is doing there in the first place. Is there anything better than watching some poor, drunk schmuck get suckered into drinking a shot of brussels sprout liqueur?

5. The Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest on ESPN: I’ve watched a lot of stupid shows on HDTV, but this has to be the most mind-numbing piece of “entertainment” I’ve ever seen. Somehow, the mad geniuses at ESPN managed to stretch a 12-minute eating contest into a full hour-long program, complete with blazer-wearing commentators, a “man on the field,” and dramatic profiles of the competitors. One can’t help but wonder who these commentators pissed off to get such an assignment, the sporting world’s version of directing traffic. We can’t all cover the World Cup, I guess.

So there you have it: girls, booze, food, sports… and mountain biking unicyclists. And there’s more: American Chopper, History Detectives, The Equalizer, and a whole slew of randomly chosen movies like 2010 and Cruel Intentions. Against these sirens of the HD sea, how can any guy defend himself? There should be FCC regulations against programming this seductive. My only hope is a break in cable service, which is bound to happen once I stop showing up for work in order to watch The Young and the Restless in HD, and can no longer pay my utility bills. Help me, Time Warner Cable; you’re my only hope.