To anyone that’s been paying attention, it’s pretty obvious that Hollywood is out of ideas. Over the past several years, the film industry has made it common practice to dredge up classic films and tv shows and adapt (ruin?) them for present day audiences. Starsky and Hutch, Bewitched, and the upcoming (and completely unnecessary) Pink Panther are just a couple examples, and from what I’ve read in US Weekly, there are more on the way. Are they taking requests? I’d like to see Luis Bunuel and Salvador Dali’s Un Chien Andalou remade, preferably by Michael Bay. That movie was sloooooow, and didn’t even make any sense. No doubt Jerry Bruckheimer could liven it up a bit with a few explosions and a more likable lead.
While the majority of us are busy Yeeeee-haaaaawing our way to the movie theaters, not everyone is happy with this trend. Surprisingly, there are some fuddy-duddy film critics out there (I’m talking to you, Anthony Lane) who repeatedly assail the movie industry for what they perceive as a lack of creativity. Lack of creativity? I don’t think they appreciate the work required to make classics like The Dukes of Hazzard palatable to today’s discerning audiences. Putting Johnny Knoxville in the role of Bo Duke is clever enough, but casting Sean William Scott (aka “the other guy” in the seminal 2000 film Dude, Where’s My Car?) to play John Schneider’s Luke Duke? Brilliant! Don’t even get me started about the genius of Burt Reynold’s portrayal of Boss Hogg.
But as much as we all love watching the 30% increase in explosions in present-day remakes of classic entertainment, I do occasionally understand where the critics of this trend are coming from. Maybe they’ve gone too far; maybe Hollywood is being too obvious in who it’s stealing from. Maybe they need some “new” material‚ a new trove from which to cull ideas. Maybe they need to dig deeper into the entertainment archives. Lucky for Hollywood, I’ve got just the answer.
The idea came to me as I paged through a piece of junk mail addressed to my roommate‚ a 29-year old subscriber to Smithsonian, American Heritage, and other magazines generally aimed at the 65-plus market. Making the reasonable assumption that only a retiree would have the time and interest to read such publications, someone landed him on at least one mailing list catering to this demographic. Each week, the mailbox fills up with letters peddling life insurance policies (“How will you provide for your loved ones?”), AARP membership offers, and “As Seen on TV” catalogs. Most of this mail yields little more than a snicker as it is thrown into the recycling bin. But several weeks ago, something caught our attention‚ something destined to save the film industry from itself.
That something was a catalog from a company called Radio Spirits, seller of CD compilations of radio shows that only the elderly crowd could possibly remember. Younger people will undoubtedly be familiar with the names of some acts, but for most of us, the name is as far as it goes. Certainly you’ve heard of the hilarious (or so I hear) duo Amos and Andy, but how many of their classic (according to the Radio Spirits catalog) broadcasts have you actually listened to? That’s what I thought. Hollywood could lift entire scenes of dialog from these shows, and most of us would be none the wiser. Add a little creative casting‚ I’m thinking Chris Rock and David Cross‚ and a spattering of expletives, and what you’ve got is the recipe for a blockbuster!
Radio Spirits has a cornucopia of even lesser-know material from which to draw as well‚ each and every one has the potential to be a smash hit. Consider the action-packed potential of Killer Hand, a program featuring ‚Äúhigh stakes card stories, where ‚Äúmore than just a man’s money is at stake! Sounds like a project for Quentin Tarantino, if you ask me. With each episode recounting riveting tales such as a Virginian playing poker in Hong Kong, or an Englishman in the Wild West, Killer Hand has franchise potential written all over it. Or what about the gastronomic adventures of Rocky Jordan, the ‚Äúhard nosed restaurateur who ran the Café Tambourine in Cairo? I smell a Tom Seleck comeback! And with episode titles such as ‚ÄúExit from the Left, how could audiences not fall in love with I Was a Communist for the FBI? (It should be noted that Communist was actually made into a movie in 1951, but that clearly isn’t a problem for today’s movie execs.)
These are just a few of what must be dozens of surefire hits in the Radio Spirits catalog, but I’ve saved the best for last. What could be more exciting than a silver screen adaptation of the 1948 hit Johnny Dollar: Freelance Insurance Investigator? Picture Matt Damon in the titular role‚ also known as ‚Äúthe man with the action-packed expense account‚ traveling all over the world investigating‚ well, Radio Spirits isn’t exactly clear on what a freelance insurance investigator actually does. But one thing is clear: action-packed expense account + Matt Damon = $$$$ Hear me now, Hollywood, and thank me later.
It’s not exactly the kind of ‚Äúcreativity that film snobs like A.O. Scott and Joel Siegel (okay, scratch that that last one) long for, but it’s all new for the average moviegoer like you or me, right? That Dukes of Hazzard sequel just might have to wait; I think Johnny Knoxville has a date with a high-stakes, ‚Äúkiller hand of poker in the Far East. With star-power like that behind this new generation of big-screen adaptations, Hollywood can rest assured that my plan will give them a winning hand every time.
(Ugh. That last line was terrible. Surely, radio funnyman Jack Benny would do better.)
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