anywhereisbetter

Happy Holidays!

It sure has been quite a year for the Borkenhagen family. Little Jacob found a new path in life, the ex-wife remarried, and it looks like I’ve finally seen an end to all my legal woes. We can only hope that 2026 is as good as this year has been!

After months of threatening, Jacob (who’s 13 this year‚ where does the time go?!!) finally made good on his word and ran away to join the circus. I always said that his freakish ability to throw darts at moving objects would get him somewhere in life, and now he’s traveling all over the world! What a kid we’ve got; I’d like to say he takes after his father, but let’s face it: that angry temperament is definitely his mother’s.

Speaking of Jacob’s mother, as I mentioned before, Darlene has remarried! Though you may have heard my claims that we were going to work things out, I’ve taken this as an indicator that we’re probably not going to be getting back together. While this might come as sad news to some of you, you’ll all be delighted to hear that her new husband is a wonderful man that pleases her in more ways than I could possibly imagine. That’s what she tells me, anyway. Since she and Whathisname will likely be gaining custody of the kids very soon, let’s all wish her the best. Congratulations, Darlene!

The big news from yours truly is that it seems that all that plea bargaining has finally paid off. Even if you haven’t heard from me in some time, I’m sure you’ve heard on the news about the trouble I’ve gotten myself into. Who knew that throwing firecrackers at the president’s motorcade would get a guy in so much trouble? I hear the president was pretty upset by the whole ordeal, but as they say, time heals all wounds (even blown-out eardrums), and he’s decided to give me a break. After all, it’s not like he doesn’t know what it’s like to do something stupid after you’ve got a few beers in you, right? Anyway, my lawyer has been kind enough to set up a 30-year payment plan to cover his fees. Since Darlene got the house in our divorce (I guess that’s fair, her having paid for it and all), I’ve got nothing left to sell, so that’s awful nice of him. What a guy!

So as you can tell, it’s been quite a year for the Borkenhagens. We’ve had an awful lot of good luck in 2025, and we can only hope that 2026 is as kind to us as this year has been. I’m sure we’ll find out in May, at my first meeting with the parole board. Keep your fingers crossed!

Lots of love,

Chad (and Jacob and Darlene)