anywhereisbetter

Ashton and Other Guy, together again.

Several weeks ago, I logged on to my bank account to find that my balance was roughly $400 less than expected. I sat back in my chair, scratched my head, and racked my brain for ways in which I might have accidentally spent such a large sum of money. After all, my knack for mishandling money is borderline preternatural, so it did not seem altogether unreasonable that, somewhere along the line, I had forgotten something. But $400 is an awful lot of money to lose, even for a guy that loses money like the Denver Nuggets lose basketball games. So I did a little investigating, and discovered several purchases that I did not recall:

- Autozone: $20.57
- Autozone: $54.70
- Two Guys’ Liquor Store: $160.66
- Joe’s Stop N Shop: $147.08
- Toys R Us: $3.50

Think about these purchases for a moment. Though you’d have to be throwing one hell of a party, I can imagine spending that kind of money at a liquor store. Autozone has plenty of car parts within the amount of these purchases. The Toys R Us charge seems a little low to me, but maybe GI Joe figures were on sale or something. Whatever. All of that is fine. But… $150 at the stop n shop? What could you possibly buy at a convenience store for $150? Seriously, now. That’s a lot of Mountain Dew and Doritos. I’ve spent a good deal of what is obviously an abundance of time contemplating this question, and I think I can explain it. Using the principle of Ockham’s razor, in which the simplest explanation is the most likely correct, I have devised a reasonable scenario in which all of these purchases could have taken place.

I picture the perpetrators as Ashton Kutchner and The Other Guy in Dude, Where’s My Car? Having located their car in the first chapter of our story (don’t act like you didn’t see it), the sequel begins with a chance encounter with the leader of a Russian credit card fraud ring. As our protagonists drive leisurely down the road in their recently located wheels, their car is mistaken (duh) for what is supposed to be the dropoff car for The Adamantium MasterCard, a credit card with more international currency buying power than George Soros. With it, the band of criminals plans to purchase all White Castles worldwide, inflicting cultural imperialism around the globe, the likes of which haven’t been seen since McDonald’s expanded to every corner of the globe.

But here’s the twist: the mixup here is twofold. First, our heroes are obviously not the intended recipients of said MasterCard. Second, the card they’re given isn’t even the fabled Adamantium Card, but rather a hackjob copy of my debit card. Sucks for me. Anyway, the Russians tell our friends to use the card wisely, and go on their way. Immediately thereafter, the car sputters and dies, smoke rising from the hood. Oh, happenstance.

The plot thickens: Stuck on the side of the road, the two suddenly remember that they were supposed to pick up their girlfriends for some really important date or something. Oh no!! Now, they haven’t got presents for the girls, and they’ll never be able to pick them up in time. Now what?

I’ll tell you what.

The Other Guy gets the idea to use my debit card to bail them out. Feigning a knowledge of automobiles, he determines that it’s the thermostat that needs replacing. What luck! There’s an Autozone across the street! Five minutes later, the two rush out of the store with a $2.50 thermostat and $17.50 of bobble heads and air fresheners. As Ashton sticks hula girls to every available surface of the car, Other Guy gets greasy under the hood, completely ruining his Ambercrombie and Fitch fleece thing. They exchange stupid remarks. Then, car fixed. The two rush off to the liquor store, and use my debit card to buy two bottles of Veuve Clicquot. Natch.

Did I mention that all of this happened in Jamaica, Queens? It did.

Sublot: At this point, the Russian Criminal Guys realize they’ve made a mistake, and set out to find they two idiots to whom they erroneously gave my debit card. Never before has a bank account worth so little been so hotly pursued.

Ashton and Other Guy arrive at their girlfriends’ house (they live together or something), champagne in hand. Oh drat! The car has exploded again. What’s that? Another twist??? You betcha. Girlfriend #2 knows how to fix cars! Oh, gender role reversal!!! She decides it’s the water pump, not the thermostat, that’s broken, and heads across the street to the other Autozone, which is right there.

Anyway, the car is fixed just in time for the Russians to show up with a bunch of guns and stuff. Ashton, Other Guy, and Girls 1 and 2 speed off, Russians in pursuit. Forced to stop for gas at the “Stop N Shop,” they hide from the Russians behind a display of Doritos and Mountain Dew, which they are for some reason then forced to purchase. The total comes to $147.08, and is of course charged to my account.

Deus Ex Machina: The Russians catch up to the four idiots, and they’re forced to give up the card. When they do so, the Russians realize that it was the wrong card all along, and everyone shares a good laugh over a glass of champagne. Roll credits.

What about the Toys R Us charge, you say? I’m getting to that.

After credits‚ secret ending!!! Determining the worthlessness of my bank account, the Russians carelessly throw my card out the window. It lands at the entrance of a Toys R Us and is picked up by a CGI toddler. The CGI toddler looks at the camera and gives a mischievous wink…. The end? Or just the beginning?

That’s what I figure probably happened. I understand the mix-up, but in the end it all meant a big pain in the ass for me. I’m never going to see another Ashton Kutchner movie again.