This Friday, after months of research, stacks of notes, several sleepless nights, one epiphany, and countless revisions, I finished my senior thesis. In order to divert my attention from anxious thoughts of unnoticed typos, I have begun to ruminate on something even more panic inducing: life after college. This isn’t to say I haven’t given it a lot of thought already, but after having made it past the single biggest hurdle separating me from all that pomp and circumstance, I feel like maybe I should be a bit further along in the job-hunting process. So this morning, I began to take action.
I have decided that the first step to actually finding a job is reworking my resume. It’s been a while since I’ve had to use it, so it needs a lot of revising. But before I dove in and just started typing all willy-nilly, I thought it would be a good idea to spend some time looking through some samples online. One after another, I pored through them–entry-level corporate, marketing, sales, information technology–and slowly, a heavy feeling grew in my stomach. I had had enough of active verbs and flowery adverbs. I couldn’t take any more of the bullshit these things were feeding me.
I’m perfectly capable of dishing out embellishments of my own, but after reading what else is out there, I’m convinced that no amount of self-congratulatory rhetoric or high grade, Brut-scented resume paper would set me apart from the next guy. So instead, I’ve decided to take another approach. Instead of adorning my accomplishments with active voice sentences and “a demonstrated ability to use a thesaurus,” I’m going to be honest. Okay, maybe I’ve punched it up just a bit, but in a way that I think will get my resume noticed. It’s a work in progress, but I think it’s coming along nicely.
Chad Borkenhagen
829 Petunia Place Apt. 1
Brooklyn, NY 11215
Summary:
Dynamic, innovative self-starter with imaginative troubleshooting skills and proficiency in using colorful language to inflate qualifications.
Education:
Bachelor of Arts in Sociology, 2005
University School of Universal Studies – New York, NY
Experience:
Technical Specialist, 2002-Present
An Institute for Academic Research – New York, NY
Perform configuration and maintenance of Windows XP workstations. Requires efficient time wasting skills, diverse lunch-ordering capabilities, and an ability to look busy in the presence of authority figures.
Video Store Clerk, 2002-2003
Hip Indie Video – New York, NY
Operated cash register, organized video boxes, and restocked returned items. Qualifications entailed an extensive knowledge of film, familiarity with numbers ranging from 1-6000, alphabetizing skills, and an officious disposition.
Mechanic, 2001-2002
Scooter Shop – Jersey City, NJ
Repaired, restored, and customized classic Vespas and Lambrettas. Required an affinity for grease, patience for Italian engineering, and an expansive vocabulary of expletives.
Affiliations:
American Sociological Association, 2004-2005
Checkered Demons Scooter Club, 2001-2005
Knights of Labor, 1885-1890
References: Available upon request
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