anywhereisbetter

Have you seen the recent ads for Fox 5′s morning show? Of course you have; the all too well-composed image of Jim Ryan, Jodi Applegate, Mike Woods, Chris Galius, and Lucy Noland is plastered on every banner, ever poster board, every train platform that the MTA offers as advertising space. Maybe they’ve targeted the 2/3 train in particular, but every day for the past several weeks, I’ve been confronted with the cold, indifferent smiles of the Fox 5 morning team during my commute. From Grand Army Plaza all the way to 96th Street and back, I sit in captivation, studying this portrait of forced affability.

What is it about these ads that unnerves me so? It’s more than just their ubiquitousness. Plenty of other ads get placed on every available sliver of formerly public space without rousing my attention. No, this ad is different, and today I figured it out: the cast of Good Day New York is, without a doubt, not human.

This isn’t to say they weren’t human at one time. But one quick glance with a critical eye will reveal to even the most nearsighted observer that each and every one of those smiling faces is positively taxidermied. What else could explain the lifeless stares, their rigid posture, the perfect teeth? There’s no way these people are alive.

What’s that you say? You’ve seen them move? They actually talk? Sure they do–and I’m sure they’d make a fine centerpiece as the “house band” at a children’s pizza joint. Dress them up in funny animal suits and they’re ready to go. Animatronics have come a long way, you know.

If what I say is true–and clearly the evidence illustrates that it is–then this heralds a new age for the post-industrial age of automated labor. This is bigger than just the Fox 5 morning team. Just as factory workers have lost their jobs to their more efficient robot counterparts, telephone operators continue to be replaced by lifeless voice recognition systems, and automated checkout has obviated the need for cashiers, no longer must local television rely on actual humans as on-air talent. Finally, these high-cost positions can be eliminated from the budget. Leave it to Fox to blaze the trail in slashing jobs in the name of efficiency.

As I write this, however, I realize that there is one last hypothesis I had thus far failed to consider. Those vapid expressions, mechanical as they may seem, could in fact be something else. Rather than the unfortunate product of robo-technology that isn’t quite there yet, those blank stares and infallible smiles might instead be the mark of soullessness, the mark of men and women who made a deal with the Devil just to appear on TV. Now, devoid of emotion and subject to eternal damnation, they appear on some shitty morning show doing segments like “Pet Corner,” “Jodi’s Kitchen,” and “Gun Nut of the Week.” For this you sell you soul?

I would have held out for the fiddle made of gold.